Walt's Beautiful Wife Heather's Words at Walt's Life Celebration
First off I want to talk about depression and settle some confusion that I know comes with death from anxiety and depression. I want to say that Walt was sick, this is an illness. I often said that it was like watching my husband die of a cancer that no one could find. He did everything right, ate healthy, exercised, sought help, and had supportive family and friends. The treatments were endless; medications, shock treatment, ketamine, magnetic stimulation. Then there were self-treatments; yoga, fasting (he once didn’t eat for ten days), meditations, retreats, natural remedies, and no medications. He went through so many tests; blood work, genetic testing, endoscopy, psychological, food allergy, each test came back normal. Nothing worked and with each treatment he became more desperate. In the end he was living for the people he loved. He never wanted to disappoint the people he truly cared for. A few days before he died he was sitting on the couch crying while petting our dog, he looked at me and said, “this house is so nice, the dogs are so good, and you’re so beautiful why can’t I get it together?” I didn’t know what to say, I cried with him. It was his compassion for others that kept him alive for so long through all his suffering. He really wanted it and we all really wanted it for him but it just wasn’t enough to overcome this illness.
Walt and I started dating in November 2012, the day after Thanksgiving. The six-hour date started at Coffee Underground and then we walked Falls Park. When I first saw him I was instantly attracted to him, he was handsome, like WOW, really handsome, REALLY handsome. As we walked he didn’t speak much but he was an amazing listener. It was his calmness, his way of thinking, his patience, and his discipline that amazed me. At the end of the date he walked me to my car but I had just moved to Greenville and didn’t really remember where I parked and I just bought that car so I really had trouble picking it out. That might have added some time to the date and he got a good laugh at my expense.
I remember the first day I met his brother Will. They were moving a piece of furniture into my apartment. I watched them as were able to lift the piece, carry it up a flight of stairs, and put it in the place without saying a word, like I said Walt wasn’t much of a talker. Later I mentioned it to Walt that it was neat to watch him and his brother communicate without speaking. Walt said that since they were rocking climbing partners they had built that bond. I felt that really spoke to the closeness he shared with his brother.
One of the many ways that Walt tried to help himself was yoga. In 2014 he became a certified yoga teacher. He absolutely loved training to be a yoga teacher, for the YTT people here he once told me that being with you made him so happy that he didn’t want to leave. He taught for a brief amount of time and was always complimented. One night while we were at an event a woman came up to him and told him that she attended one of his classes and was so relaxed afterward. She said that he really had a gift for providing calmness. It very ironic because he was living with such turmoil, he didn’t want others to feel what he felt, what we’re feeling now.
Walt and I were married for four years. We had some great adventures together. He was my rock climbing coach, encouraging me from the ground telling me which limb to stretch to which hold. He tried his hardest to get me to love the ocean as much as he loved the ocean but I always ended up pummeled into the sand, blind, with my glasses being swept out to sea. As my friends from all over met Walt, they all loved him. He would walk away and they would whisper to me, “oh my goodness, Heather, he’s so cute” or “he’s so nice” or “wow, what a really great guy.” They were right, he was.
Walt worked from home and he was great at his job. I loved to listen to him talk to his students, their parents, and the other teachers. When I worked nights and I had to sleep during the day I would intentionally leave the door open just to hear him talk, he was that patient and calming that the sound of his voice would help me sleep. Parents, by the way, you need to respect teachers a little more and show some interest in your kids schooling, not all teachers are going to be Walter Crooks.
Our last trip was just a few weeks ago to go backpacking at Rae Lakes, a 50 mile intense backpacking trip that climbed up to 12000 ft. Walt completed that trip despite intense pain, both mental and physical. I know that it was a gift to me, he didn’t want to let me down despite me offering so many alternatives. It showed how much compassion he had for the people he loved, most people wouldn’t complete that trip on the best of days. One of the members on the trip even commented, “Soft spoken, polite, a gentleman, and handsome. What a guy.” Walt, I love you, I’m not mad at you, and I wish you were here.
*We choose the quote from Thich Nhat Hanh that Walt used to end all of his yoga classes for his card.
It is with a heavy heart that we post our tears for the loss of Jose.
I have tried to write this post and tried again. To lose both Walt and Jose to anxiety and depression, well, it doesn’t seem possible.
Walt had described Jose as one of the two kindest men he has ever known. Jose spoke of Walt’s gentleness and calming spirit. Two kindred spirits.
Jose had been quite busy with his job at Gateway especially since COVID. He arrived at his first board meeting late because he was picking up food for Gateway’s food back from The Swap Rabbit Trail Grocery. I smiled saying, goodness, this is nothing to apologize for. We are so proud of you and so honored for you to have joined our board.
At the meeting, Jose explained he lived with depression, but working for Gateway put his problems in perspective. He said helping others with serious mental health conditions made his problems seem smaller. Jose was great a reading emotions. He seemed to take upon himself a kind of challenge to see if he could provide each he met on his path a bit of happiness. This was evident to me for he always had a beautiful smile on his face and was so generous, playful and kind.
Looking back, there were too few shared Sunday dinners with Jose. He always complemented me on each of my dishes, even the ones that did not turn out. Those unsavory dishes, those were the ones he seemed to ask for seconds. Jose brought an energy and a positive spirit to each of our gatherings.
When I asked if he would like to join our board, he almost cried stating he was so humbled, so honored. He said, “Me, Jose, on a board?!” I tried my best to express it was Walt’s Waltz honor if he would accept. I explained that I knew he was busy, so no worries with any commitments. We were just thrilled to have him.
The world weeps for so many were not blessed to cross his path. I weep for our loss but sometimes smile at my fortune to have known this man and have had him lovingly call me Mom.
~ susan
Three Ways Highly Sensitive Men Can Practice Better Self-Care
3 Ways Highly Sensitive Men Can Practice Good Self-Care
Highly sensitive men, or men who embody the personality trait, sensory processing sensitivity, face numerous challenges in life that can dramatically alter mental health. In this brief post, we will look at just three ways we should be mindful of the often overlooked, yet crucial aspects of mental health that we can all put into practice right away: our bodily, social, and spiritual needs.
Sensory processing sensitivity is a personality trait that exists in about 15-20% of the world’s population. The trait is neutral in and of itself, meaning being highly sensitive does not necessarily lead to anything in particular. The nature of the trait does however predispose us in certain ways to excessive thinking and worrying, which can lead to rumination, an unhealthy state of mind where dwelling on past events, failures, and fear consume mental space to such a degree as to displace normal functioning. Let’s look at each of the four core aspects of sensory processing sensitivity:
- Depth of processing. Highly sensitive men spend more time processing everything that they take in through the senses. They do not have special senses in any way but do more thoroughly process experiences than in less sensitive people. This extensive processing has obvious advantages in problem solving but may also lead us to focus on extraneous issues to an unwarranted degree if we are not mindful of how our trait works. Deep thinking can also be a disadvantage when quick thinking and action are called for. As a normal part of the overall survival strategy for the species, 15-20% are deeper thinkers and naturally more cautious and careful.
- Overstimulation in certain highly individualized circumstances. It is extremely important to not lump all highly sensitive men together into a homogenous category because no two are like. Some will be bothered by strong smells, bright lights, or itchy fabrics or tags, while others will prefer stronger lighting, be fairly oblivious to smells or other stimuli. Part of this is the reality that many highly sensitive men learn to ignore a great deal of stimuli as they conform to the culture around them. This is a positive and a negative, since conformity can lead to a denial of who we are at our core. Many men feel strongly out of touch with the prevailing notion of masculinity as dominant, aggressive, ultra-competitive, and shallow. Overstimulation may lead many highly sensitive men to develop a feeling of self-loathing as well as they desperately wish they were less affected by certain issues.
- High empathy and emotional responsiveness. Being someone who experiences strong, quick emotions almost automatically puts us more in touch with the experiences of other people. Empathy is a trait in and of itself where we are able to enter the experiences of other people as if they were our own. Highly sensitive men may be highly empathetic and feel the affective emotional states of other people much more than they would like. Similarly, highly sensitive men also possess a broader emotional range comprising a wider spectrum of feelings, emotions, and possibilities. This rich emotional depth and life can be quite challenging to manage in a madly rushing and increasingly divided population.
- Sensitivity to subtle cues. Highly sensitive men may be keenly aware of subtleties that less sensitive people overlook or miss altogether. For example, one study found that highly sensitive people spend more time scanning visual scenes and noticing fine distinctions in detail. They may also be more aware of subtle smells, emotions, and other clues that may provide valuable information and insights.
Taken as a whole, the four D.O.E.S. aspects of sensory processing sensitivity constitute a finely tuned nervous system that is continually absorbing inputs from the environment, both natural and social, subtle and obvious, inner and outer. This stream of input can be quite taxing for many highly sensitive people and they find themselves feeling frazzled and needing to withdraw to allow their nervous system to settle in quiet. They may avoid situations where they know they will feel overwhelmed and exhausted, but many will engage in them anyway as a matter of career, family, or other commitments that demand more socialization than may be comfortable or sustainable.
This depletion of energies can lead to burnout and exhaustion if not managed well. This leads us to the three ways highly sensitive men can dramatically improve their level of self-care and enjoy greater balance in life. Highly sensitive men often do not practice good self-care and suffer as a result with health issues, fatigue, anxiety, and depression. When one’s life is stacked in such a way as to be unsustainable and the way forward does not seem apparent life can be a tremendous challenge to navigate.
1 – Bodily needs.
Highly sensitive men need to be mindful of diet, hydration, exercise, and sleep. Diet can dramatically affect our mental acuity, our ability to sleep well, and our physical health. Though there are numerous “diets” out there, the consensus seems to be on emphasizing whole foods that are less refined, with less sugars (and things that act like sugar in the body), less grains, and less refined oils. I have personally had good luck with the Ketogenic way of eating combined with intermittent fasting. The latter is especially important to maintaining lower overall blood sugar levels to avoid becoming diabetics. Type 2 diabetes is epidemic in the US and can be largely tied to unhealthy eating habits such as excessive carbohydrate consumption and sugar intake. Experiment with reducing food categories one by one and see what effects it has for your health; you might be surprised!
Hydration is also a key factor in taking care of our bodily needs. Too many of us are underhydrated and do not even know it or drink things that wreck our health like sugared sodas or other drinks. Water and flavored waters can be exactly what our bodies need to function well. Being over 65% water, our bodies maintain numerous processes through adequate hydration. We should be sipping water throughout the day and avoiding any point where we feel thirsty.
Exercise as well is often overlooked as men are busy rushing around in their daily lives. Finding time to walk, run, bike, or swim can seem impossible yet if not done consistently will result in lessened vitality and health over time. Our bodies will atrophy, and we will lose muscle mass and tone the less we move. Our bodies are designed for movement and a lot of it! Movement is tied to maintaining all of our bodily processes at an optimum level and highly sensitive men should plan to do exercise that increases their heart rates and breathing to at least a moderate level 3-5 times a week. Of course, do what is sustainable for you and don’t push yourself to the point of injury. It is about long-term sustainable movement, not suddenly running a marathon. Getting adequate movement will greatly improve mental health as well by increasing dopamine (the feel-good hormone in the brain), reducing overall inflammation, and exposing the body to fresh air and sunlight. Do what is sustainable and interesting for you but do start now…
Sleep is the underpinning of all good mental health and highly sensitive men may need more sleep than less sensitive men due to the greater energetic expenditures required to process an increased intake of stimulation on a daily basis. Too many people are sleep deprived and suffer great difficulties in focusing, having enough energy to get through each day, and feeling healthy and rested. In many cases, diet is directly tied to why we may not sleep well as excess sugar and carbohydrate consumption can lead to lower quality sleep. Adjusting diet can lead to better sleep; the kind of sleep your body desperately needs.
2- Social Needs.
About 70% of highly sensitive men are introverted, while about 30% are extroverted. About 30% of highly sensitive men are also high in a separate trait called sensation seeking. When examining our social needs, many highly sensitive men may feel as if they already get too much socialization through their careers or personal lives, but the deciding factor is if those interactions are quality energetic exchanges between people or are simply draining. Extroverted highly sensitive men may have a higher need for interaction but may be just as overwhelmed in time by too many people, too much noise, or simply through exhaustion at high energy events and situations. Introverted highly sensitive men may prefer the domain of their own minds to process reality but they also need high quality interactions with at least one other person.
Our social needs may vary as sensitive people but knowing who we should choose to spend our time with and for how long becomes key to satisfying our social needs for community and belonging. Socially, many highly sensitive men may feel awkward or feel socially anxious, depending on their backgrounds. Many may have overcome social anxiety, shyness, or low self-esteem but many still suffer with self-defeating self-talk and excessive worrying about how they are viewed by others. Learning to successfully navigate having a balanced social life, one that meets our needs for connection, community, and collaboration, can go a long way toward promoting our overall well-functioning.
3- Spiritual Needs.
Highly sensitive men, as people who think and feel more deeply than less sensitive men, are, by nature, given to seeking the deeper implications and meanings of life. Religion should be considered separate from the search for spirituality, since religion is a total institution with immutable rules, dogma, and social control mechanisms. In a sense, it seems counter intuitive to seek spirituality through religion. The spirituality many highly sensitive men cultivate and seek is grounded in a need to find meaning in existence, to understand the nature of life and the universe and our place in it, and to consider how we might live in ways that do no harm to others, while promoting a greater sense of peace, equality, and harmony for our world.
Fulfilling our needs to seek deeper meaning, greater connection, and worthwhile lives may seem elusive but the vast depth and breadth of possible ways of being as a highly sensitive man means we are only limited by our worldview and willingness to work to make something new happen. Some highly sensitive men will find solace and space in mediation or prayer, while others will seek spirituality in nature or through practices that ground them as one and the same as the universe itself.
Highly sensitive men should seek their spirituality in ways that work for them and that hold the promise of realizing their inherent potential as fully realized beings.
There are many more specific strategies for mitigating a sense of overstimulation as a highly sensitive man. There are many ways to reframe how we see ourselves apart from culturally mediocre and outlandish caricatures of masculinity. There are even ways of learning to ignore much of the insanity and uproar coming from a world in upheaval and tumult. Learning to balance what it means to be highly sensitive with the practical realties of daily life in the 21st century requires that we seek a high degree of self-awareness and that we have in place effective strategies that will make our lives more satisfying, more rewarding, and increase our future thrivability.
None of this is to sugarcoat what it means to be alive in this moment and experiencing the events that daily confront our senses and sensibilities but it is to say that we must tend to the basics that will allow us to find a balanced way of being that is sustainable throughout our lives. The topic of mental health is a complex one and one that I can only hint at in this brief post, but highly sensitive men are complex beings with deep, rich, emotional worlds replete with meaning and possibility. Being mentally healthy does not imply that we focus entirely on the positive and somehow block out all negativity; instead, it means we understand the value and lessons that negativity and liminal spaces have to teach us and take life in all completeness and wholeness.
Henry David Thoreau said, “I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.” What it means to each of us to “have lived” may be very different but to many highly sensitive men it is exactly the search for some essential, elementary truth or realization that fuels them to step into each new day with a sense of curiosity, wonder, and awe.
Where does your sense of curiosity, wonder, and awe take you? How do you honor it as a person who is alive in this moment?
Tracy Cooper, Ph.D. is an active researcher, author, and educator. Dr. Cooper is the Program Chairman for Baker University’s Master of Liberal Arts degree.
Books:
Empowering the Sensitive Male Soul
Thrive: The Highly Sensitive Person and Career
Thrill: The High Sensation Seeking Highly Sensitive Person
Links:
FaceBook @tracycooperphd
Website: Drtracycooper.wordpress.com
We are losing the Golden . . .
The Golden
I was young and Golden as a child, like so many of us are
But, this mad world can be a constant barrage and beating
(Into your mind and body but never your soul)
A rhythmic and pulsating beating that grows in intensity
As one realizes that his/her kindness and compassion. His consciousness. Her unique perception of the world. Their idealism...
These earnest intentions and beautiful traits are alienating them in this world.
Causing a loneliness inside that is unexplainable and often unbearable.
It’s difficult to awaken in a sleeping world.
In fact, as one awakens more and more, the sleeping world tries harder and harder to lull them back to unconsciousness,
Ironically attacking them for being dreamers...in a sleeping world!
It. IS. Madness.
And if we are lucky we learn to live with this
To accept that this mad world cannot be made sense of.
And, if you’re lucky, you develop a healthy cynicism out of your disappointed idealism.
Perhaps you learn to break out of the programming that tells you to measure your own well being by your ability to “function as normal” according to the world around you rather than measuring one’s own success in well being by one’s own inner peace and experiences of joy.
If you are very lucky, you may develop a broad, often ‘sick’ sense of humor
That can make the world feel more tolerable and connect you, through laughter and openness, to other kindred souls
Struggling to awaken, against the current, of this wacky, sleeping world.
It’s a blessing and a greatest grace to find these rusty, dusty Golden companions.
There is nothing like the nurturance to the soul that comes along with the laughter and shamelessness
That only naturally comes along after living long past your failures and collapses, your traumas, humiliations and heartbreaks.
Life is unbearable until we can accept our own humanity and learn to live authentically.
And if you are very, very lucky in this world you allow trueness to self to take precedence over the disappointment and judgment of all others...
Because something inside says this is an emergency. Something inside is screaming that you would rather die than go on living, pretending to be whatever it is that makes the world more comfortable around you.
And you don’t tell yourself this feeling is ridiculous.
You don’t tell yourself you are weak or crazy.
You abide by your heart and take refuge in that.
But this kind of luck is coming to too few.
And I’m using the word luck for a reason.
Because it feels arbitrary that I’m even alive.
Because I simply didn’t die when I tried.
I developed a healthy fear of suicide after attempting twice, and I lost the feeling that my life was even truly in my hands at all.
Still, I felt suicidal for a very long time after my attempts, though luckily too fearful to attempt again.
The kind of permission it took to live with myself in that condition, one in which I could hardly do more than breathe and pat myself on the back for living another day...
It’s extremely hard to live with yourself in this world when you’ve reached that point. It feels as if you ARE nothing when you do nothing.
Living like that each day welled up so much shame and sickness in me that it felt physically as if I was dying...which I secretly, guiltily hoped was true at times.
Life, for too long, felt like I had awoken into a nightmare I could not get out of
And try as I may have, I could not get back to pleasant dreams.
I could not feel any kind of peace
Not until I began to shed every idea of who and what I thought I was or should be.
And in that shedding, that letting go of needing to know or understand almost anything at all
I learned that in every space I threw judgment out, I created a natural space for love to come in.
It had been easy for me to learn not to judge others.
I had clearly, early on in life, recognized a pattern of ending up in almost every situation I had previously judged another for being in.
I also quickly recognized the power and beauty in non judgment, the way the people around you can sense it and become at ease, allowing themselves to connect and be authentic with you.
What took me so long to learn was the importance and worth of treating myself with that same lack of judgment.
It seemed outrageous and impossible.
I was so certain that there was something terribly wrong with me.
And I was always trying to fix it...or escape it when I found myself unable to fix it.
I thought the world had broken me. I thought I had lost my innocence. I thought I was weak.
But I am and have always been Golden.
I define a Golden person as someone who is pure in heart and intends harm to no one.
You know these people because they are indispensable and irreplaceable in your hearts.
They refuse to kick you while you are down or up.
They refuse to be a burden to others, all too often to their own detriment.
And that is what too many of us do not know
Because the Golden can hide this all too well, even from themselves,
But the Golden are struggling.
They are dying!
Because they don’t want to burden us with their own humanity.
They don’t want to let us down.
They are trying to be angels in a world where we all came to experience being human.
But the worlds madness and insensitivity, its impossible demands, are alienating its Golden and brightest
Shaming them into hiding
Keeping them from feeling worthy of their own healing...of their own lives at all.
The Golden are dying left and right
And we call it a choice.
We say “they killed themselves”.
There is no one to blame and everyone to blame
But blame is a waste of time.
Because it keeps us from creating spaces for the Golden to thrive, to feel safe and free
To be who they are rather than who we think they should be.
We could keep on going, letting our Golden ones slip away
And leave the world unknowing
Until it is entirely gray
Or we can recognize what we are being shown
That something is FAR from right.
When we live in a world that continues to extinguish its kindest and brightest of lights.
- Nyla V.
Parenting with Anxiety during a Pandemic
We have gone over 3 months in South Carolina with the pandemic affecting our daily lives. It all started on Friday, March 13, 2020 in this state. This was when we knew the kids were not going back to school for a couple of weeks (what we were told then) and we had to make quick plans for child care. This was only the beginning of something I never thought we would have to deal with during our life time. My own children are 6 and 8 years old. The teachers were asked to provide e-learning materials quickly and they did everything they could. My husband and I were still working full time, thankful we still had jobs, but stressed we had no child care. We did not see any family or friends for 8 weeks. We took the recommendations seriously and we did our best in a very stressful situation. My parents have never experienced anything like this in their lifetime, so they had little advice. My mom lives close to me and wanted to help as much as she could but there was nothing she could do. We all felt pretty helpless and stressed. This made my own personal anxiety increase. I think many parents, especially those of us with a mental health condition, were feeling major effects from this pandemic.
Of course, it was difficult staying home in isolation from the world, but on top of that was worrying about contracting COVID19 when we had to go to the grocery store or anywhere. I am lucky I have a stay at home job. Even now, three months later, we are worried that at some point one of us will get sick. My anxiety likes to whisper possibilities about the worst case scenario. I have to regularly meditate and try to calm my nerves with photography, reading, cleaning, gardening, or anything else that will take my mind off those worries. It’s not easy, but necessary at this time. I prepared a list of helpful resources for parents who are also experiencing high amounts of anxiety during this difficult time. Not every tool will work for every person, but I have found that the more tools I try the more likely it is that I will find one that works for me. I hope this list is helpful for those parents struggling right now.
Managing Anxiety During Reopening
How to Help Children Manage Fears
I use this Calm App every night.
Self-Care during COVID suggestions
Self-Care during Protests suggestions
Finding a Therapist near you
I hope you all stay well and find comfort in some of the tools provided above.
Larisa Black
Walt’s Waltz Board Member
Anxiety And Depression Support Group
Walt’s Waltz has been helping the community through the COVID crisis by offering an online support group for those experiencing anxiety and depression. We meet via ZOOM every Monday night at 7PM. Everyone is invited to talk as much or little as they would like about their own anxiety and depression. If you just want to listen to others, that’s okay too! There is no pressure and no judgement. If you feel like you could use a supportive group to talk to please join us. Find out how to sign up by CLICKING HERE.
Take a Mental Health Test
Mental health seems to always take a back seat to physical health. We easily talk about physical health ailments, make appointments regularly to get physical health check ups and can suggest physical health doctors without someone batting an eye. But then there is mental health. This is seen differently in our culture. We do not feel comfortable talking about mental health ailments, we do not make appointments regularly to get screened for our mental health, and we rarely suggest counselors, psychologists, or psychiatrists. This is because of the stigma surrounding mental health. We do not feel comfortable talking about our own mental health and therefore it gets swept under the rug. We push through our days anxious, depressed, and not knowing there is help out there. You do not have to live this way!
Mental Health America is an excellent resource to aid those living with a mental health condition. They have many diagnostic tools to help you determine the severity of your possible condition and if you should go to a doctor or counselor. The anxiety and depression tests are the most commonly used and are also available in Spanish. Mental Health America has an affiliate resource center that includes “Tools to Thrive”. We hope that these tools will be helpful to you and your loved ones, especially during this time of crisis.
Introducing Our Newest Board Member: José Zurita
José Zurita is an advocate in the field of mental health. This dedication is not only visible through his position as a Rehabilitation Specialist at Gateway House, and but also through his compassion and his voice in our community for those with mental health conditions.
José holds a B.A. in International Studies from the University of South Alabama. His first hand experience working directly in the field will be extremely helpful to Walt’s Waltz as we work to meet the needs of those living with mental health conditions.
PsychU Partnership
We are excited to announce that we have partnered with PsychU to bring you more resources for mental health awareness! The PsychU community is comprised of over 56,000 physicians, psychiatrists, nurse practitioners, physicians assistants, clinicians, care managers, nurses, pharmacists, medical directors, payers, administrators, and other mental health care professionals dedicated to improving the future of mental health care through information, discussion, and collaboration.
We will collaborate with PsychU to break the stigma that surrounds mental health conditions like anxiety and depression in our culture. Walt’s Waltz and PsychU plan to bring you custom program events created by industry leaders in the field ranging from “The Impact of Coronavirus Disease on the Mental Health of Children” to “Perspectives On Self-Disclosure and Stigma” and many other relevant topics.
We look forward to this partnership with PsychU and the resources we are now able to share due to it. We continue to strive in breaking the stigma any way we can!